I know why. I suppose I always knew. As I pull up to my driveway, I bring to attention my own esteem. The fact is, though admitting it now is a moot point, that I was never very good at being a good person. That is not to say I was a bad one, just not necessarily a good one. I think a characteristic such as selfishness is only really brought to attention internally well after the fact. People don't really contemplate their actions, they simply do. Any real motivation is subconscious, relating to the core of that person, who they are. In my case.......I was selfish. It's not a selfishness anyone can really notice, per se, but I find it hard to describe it by any other terms. I never went out of my way to help my fellow man. I never did things for people. I was never the guy that threw parties, or cooked dinner, or helped connect people, I was simply there. I took up space. I interjected with a bit of witty banter. I added my two cents, but never anything tangible, nothing lasting. It was all a defense. What easier way to sever a connection than to never have an established line? It really is a testament to my own selfish, defensive nature. Why give any of myself, commit to anything when their is always the possibility that I will be hurt? That I may expose myself in some fashion to another human being?
And that's what I did. I kept myself from him. He held me in high regard, never asking a thing of me except to be a brother, and I couldn't be that. I chose her instead. I invested everything into that woman and of course I'm a fool. A fucking fool. Instead of attending to that aspects of my life that matter, the ones that give a shit, I focused my attention on a woman. A fucking woman. The worst part? I've done this all before. Forsaking friendship for some bitch that ended up breaking my heart anyway. High school is a cruel mistress, filled with pupils, eager to fuck you up in fashions only an ignorant adolescent mind could conjur. I put quite a bit of faith in the notion that the second time around I would be more accurate. So much so, I gave up any real connection to my past. Friends simply fell by the wayside. As I've learned, severing the connection to another human being is quite simple, but more often than not, there will be casualties.